


How to woo a Magizoologist according to Percival Graves

by Eggspelliarmus



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: A lot of Les mis and Disney references, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cinnamon Roll Newt Scamander, Crack, Danish girl reference, Disney, Disney-Style Romance, Graves needs to reconsider his idea of romantic, I am ashamed of myself, M/M, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, alaska is a nice place, alternative title: keep disney movies at least 10 metres from graves' reach, cross-dressing at the end, fight me, grave has a tendency to abuse his power, how it grew from graves wooing newt to newt cross-dressing i have no idea, i apologize for throwing whoever graves hates to alaska, i have a kink for emotionally-constipated graves, slight OOC-ness i guess, terrified newt, why ain't i studying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-09-11 13:52:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8982565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eggspelliarmus/pseuds/Eggspelliarmus
Summary: Percival Graves had absolutely no idea how to initiate a romantic relationship.Yes, he was experienced when it comes to activities on the bed - he was no virgin, after all. But speaking of matters of the heart? He did not even have a single clue.The problem was, he was trying to step into the unknown terrain labelled by himself as "romance" (with signs "Danger!" and "Do not enter!)  in order to woo Newton Scamander's heart, and he was too ashamed to ask for help.Being a clever man that he was, he decided to seek help in terms of no-maj entertainment - from Queenie Goldstein's Disney romance collection, a gift from Jacob Kowalski.It surely couldn't go wrong, right?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas guys!

Percival Graves was not innocent when it comes to affairs on the bed. Mind you, he had the opportunity of having multiple partners in various on-and-off relationships in the past, men and women likewise. However, matters of the heart, to the director of the Department of the Magical Security, were of a new terrain, a terrain that he had never set foot on, neither even considering doing so, unless you include the fateful day that he let his guard down as a result of tiredness and accidentally ate a piece of cherry cake laced with Amortentia and snogged the witch who was so obsessed with him enough to risk everything to slip him a love potion. This was the incident that Graves considered as a fly in the ointment that tainted his good name. Enraged, Graves nearly oblivated everyone who happened to be misfortunate enough to witness the incident, if not being stopped by Seraphina Picquery, so he could pretend that it had never occurred. （Every time someone mentioned that incident, they would be kicked to the Alaska division of MACUSA with absolutely no reason within 24 hours, and never to return from the bone-chilling winds that blew through fjords of Alaska, so everyone has learnt not to ruffle the feathers of their fearsome director. As for the lovesick witch, nobody has seen her every since the incident, but that was another story.）

Under no circumstances would Graves be willing to set foot into the unfamiliar terrain of feelings, of romance.

Well, other than that particular circumstance called Newton Fido Artemis Scamander.

Also known as _"that ridiculously adorable Brit with a case of his_ sons _and pale skin that shows his endearing blush nicely and freckles that I desperately want to kiss Merlin's_ beard _no I also want to fuck him right on my desk when he stutters "_ to Graves.

  
In short, Graves had ~~a crush on~~ intense feelings for the magizoologist.

So intense that he was willing to take a step into the terrain of romance that appeared to be frightening to him, at least for the past thirty decades. However, he considered this worthy if it could earn him Newt's heart.

He had no idea how to ignite a romantic relationship, nor did he have any idea on how to flirt effectively.

Even he had not a single clue on how to woo a certain magizoologist, he still refused to seek help from his fellow aurors. He would die from embarrassment if the day that he finally beg for their suggestions did come.

So he sought for inspiration from everything around him.

And one day, he happened to run into Queenie Goldstein's collection of Disney romance movies as a gift from Jacob Kowalski. That was it. That was exactly what he was going to do in order to win Newt's heart.

Using no-maj romance plots.

 

 

**1\. Romantic setting, alone, uninterrupted.**

In The Little Mermaid, Ariel and Prince Eric were rafting on a quiet lagoon when they nearly kissed but was interrupted by Flotsam and Jetsam.

From the movie, Graves had come to the conclusion that, in order to woo your magizoologist, you need a romantic setting -- a lake would be ideal, but there was no stagnant water in MACUSA （unless you count the pool of silver liquid that lured those who were to be executed into a painless death in the execution room, but again, it would not be ideal, as Newt nearly died in there）, so he had to stick with the land. Perhaps a room?

Also, the room must be isolated from the others, so the two of them would not be interrupted by those stupid aurors.

Ah, the interrogation room.

Must be ideal.

It did not quite suit the adjective "romantic", nonetheless, it could work as the perfect place to woo Newt, with a little redecorating here and there. Graves could dim the light and illuminate the room with floating candles.

Oh, he was such a genius!

Newt was baffled when Graves came up to him as he was gleefully discussing his recent discovery on the ability of murtlap to reproduce asexually （"Amelia is the first of her kind to born as a result of asexual reproduction. She looks exactly like her parent, Emily" Newt practically squealed in delight） with Tina. He was even more confused when Graves asked him to come with him in order to discuss a "very urgent business" （more likely, grasping Newt and dragging the poor young man towards his desired location.）

Why would there be a "very urgent business" that required his assistance, the magizoologist had to admit that he had absolutely no idea. Yet, he would not dare not to follow Graves, as he was clearly terrified by the man's stern face, more likely murderous, if to be honest.

  
Newt's thoughts were interrupted, rather abruptly, when the duo came to a halt in front of a metal door, with the tag "Interrogation Room" hung on it.

His breath hitched.

The Interrogation Room.

THE INTERROGATION ROOM.

The realisation hit him like a "petrificis totalus", as both of them were petrifying.

Graves slowly turned the door knob of the metal door, the clinking sound of the mechanical parts made when they were moving echoed in the empty doorway, causing Newt's pulse to quicken.

Oh _Merlin's beard what on earth have I done..._

Gesturing Newt to enter the room, Graves held the door open like a proper gentleman that he should be, especially in front of his beloved. Upon entering, Newt spared a glance at the taller man through his bangs and was even more frightened to see Graves' seemingly thoughtful face.

  
_He was not thinking of a way to torture me, wasn't he?_ Newt was on the verge of tears. _I hope he wouldn't take my case away._

"Please take a seat, Mr Scamander," Graves instructed, his tone full of authority and appeared to be commanding. With shaking legs, Newt sat down on the cold metal chair, wiping his sweaty palm on his trousers as he did.

Graves sat down himself beside Newt.

 

 

  
**2\. To burst out into sudden duets**

Protagonists in Disney movies have the tendency to suddenly burst into songs and sing perfect duets. It seemed too weird if he suddenly started singing, and.Newt wouldn't know how to sing the next sentence anyway. Graves decided to recite his favourite Disney romance quotes （and non-Disney as well, he had gone through quite a number of no-maj.movies in order to find inspiration）to his favourite magizoologist.

"In my life, you have burst like the music of angels. The light of the sun! And my life seems to stop as if something is over and something has scarcely begun." Graves quoted.

This lyric of Les Miserables suited his situation, and the resemblance was so close that it was scary when he first watched this no-maj movie version of the musical in order to seek for inspiration, as he found the male protagonist somehow had a striking resemblance to Newt. What was his name again? Eddie...Eddie something, he thought.

Back to the topic, the magizoologist did enter his life like a burst of the music of angels and the light of the sun. When Newt discovered him, all tied up and beaten black and blue, in the corner of Grindelwald's lair, a pitch dark.room, Graves thought he was dead and the man in front of him was an angel. His world has changed in "just one burst of light", and upon seeing Newt's face, Grave was definitely "struck to the bone in a moment of breathless delight"

_"Mr Graves, is that you?" the man smiled and stretched out his hand to help Graves up, once after the bondage on him was loosened, "Don't worry. We are here to help. I am Newton Scamander. Just call me Newt."_

_Newt. Graves repeated his name in his heart silently. He would never forget his name. The name of the angel._

"I am sorry?" Newt looked at him and asked, pulling Graves back from his memory. The magizoologist's beautiful blue orbs were full of confusion. Was that an accusation? Was Graves accusing him of keeping mermaids in his treasured suitcase? Their song （when one heard it below the water surface）was as breathtaking as the music of angels. Not that he was in possession of any mermaids, but he was petrified by the thought that Graves might order his aurors to search his case for any signs that mermaids might be living or might have been living in the lake terrain originally set up for aquatic beasts, and accidentally bump into that bunch of illegal creatures Newt was trying so hard to hide from the light of day.

It seemed that Newt obviously did not get it. Graves rubbed his forehead in.frustration. Perhaps the younger wizard was just unfamiliar with Broadway musicals. He would try another song then.

"All my life has been a series of doors in my face. And then suddenly I bumped into you."

Newt's expression was even more puzzled. He stared at Graves, beautiful blue eyes widened in confusion.

What was Graves talking about?

"Um...I beg your pardon?"

Was that a metaphorical way of saying "you are hiding something from me behind that closely shut lid of your case" and "seeing now I have bumped into you please let me search your case for any illegal beasts"? Because it seemed dangerously similar to those two messages.

Newt thought he might be over-interpreting whatever message that Graves might be trying to convey through telling him about doors and bumping into him and whatnot, but he immediately dismissed this thought as he saw how menacing Graves' face seemed to be under the dim light of the （strangely musk-scented, why?） floating candlelight - why was the interrogating room lit up by candles instead of lamps anyway?

（He had no idea why Graves decided to use musk-scented candles. He was too innocent to connect the dots between the function of musk and, well, sex）

Graves looked pained at his response. He sighed. This was definitely not working. He'd better give up this plan and switch to the other plan.

 

  
**3\. A masquerade ball**

Every Disney classic involves the male and female protagonists dancing in a ball, masquerade or not, but masquerade appears to be more appealing to no-maj writers due to its mysterious nature, as masquerade balls constantly make an appearance in romance classics such as Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet. However, since they were already aware of each others' identities, a mask would not be necessary.

  
Graves stood up and cleared his throat, before holding out his hand and asked, "May I dance with you?"

  
The horror that made its way onto Newt's face persuaded Graves not to stick to the plan.

  
"Nevermi-"

  
Newt was highly suspicious of the real identity of the man sitting in front of him. He was acting strangely, too strange to be Director Percival Graves. Hand dug into his pocket, the magizoologist pulled out his wand and pointed at the director, whispering "Revelio." as he did.

Nothing happened.

  
"I.am.not.Grindelwald," Graves said through gritted teeth, causing Newt to regret what he had just done. The director's face was more intimidating than ever, after what he had done.

 

 

**4\. Screw Disney, let's go for pick-up lines**

Newt was shaking from fright. He had probably offended Graves even more by accusing him that he was an imposter. He found a sudden interest in his flannel trousers and decided to stare at it intensely, not daring to look up to meet Graves' hawk-like eyes that seemed to be able to penetrate through his soul.

  
It had to be successful this time, Graves silently thought to himself.

  
"Mr Scamander, are you a niffler? Because you are good at stealing, " Especially hearts, but Graves decided to hold his tongue. Leaning forward with his entire body weight supported by his elbows on the metal table, Graves tried his best to smile gently and said, trying to imitate the tone of the male protagonist when wooing the girl.

  
Newt looked up and flinched backwards as he spotted Graves' smile. It was not gentle, not at all, and it even appeared to be slightly intimidating.

Maybe slightly intimidating was an understatement. 

Very intimidating.

  
"I-I haven't stolen anything, Mr Graves," he stammered.

  
Newt winced at how he stuttered during his response, as it only made him more suspicious. He silently cursed his shy and timid nature.

  
"I am not accusing you of stealing. Rather, I am just praising you," Graves paused, "No, after reconsideration. You are not a niffler. You should be a swooping evil, because you drive away all my bad memories."

  
Wondering why Graves would suddenly strike up a conversation about swooping evil and even comparing him to one of them - not that he minded, they were really nice creatures, though might be dangerous if improperly handled - Newt decided to emphasize on how nice and easy-going those creatures could be under proper supervision, so Graves would not take them away from him.

  
"Mr Graves, you see, swooping evils are really good creatures. Yes, they are dangerous when they feed on human brains but they only do that because they are starving. It's not necessary to ban them. Please don't take them away from me..." peeking out from the bangs covering his eyes, Nediscoveredres that Graves was deep in thought, probably considering his request, weighting the pros and cons of not banning swooping evils on American soil, perhaps.

  
"Aside from specializing in magizoology, do you know how to deal with a boggart? Because you make my heart beat _ridikkulus_ ly fast."

  
"What? No, I don't really enjoy looking into non-beings. I mean, living creatures fascinate me more..."

  
Percival Graves felt like he would want to bang his head against the wall. This was definitely going towards the wrong direction. Instead of wooing the magizoologist, whatever he was doing appeared to be driving Newt away from him. As it seemed like none of the Disney plots or common flirting techniques has worked, Graves decided to be straight forward when dealing with matters of the heart.

The floating candles illuminated Newt's pale face nicely, pink dusting his plump cheeks as Graves bent forward, his face dangerously close to that of Newt. The magizoologist's sky blue pupils were widened due to the close proximity. Graves could feel the beautiful wizard's warm breath tickling his face, as he inhaled in the younger magizoologist's sweet scent, mixed with fresh grass, tree trunks and potions for curing his sick beasts.

  
"Mr Graves?" Newt whispered, as the other man reached out for his heated cheeks. He was very much confused. What Graves was doing was baffling me. He seemed to be out of character today.

  
"Shush," Graves placed his vacant hand's fingers onto Newt's lips, causing the latter to let out a strangled gasp, his breath carressing Graves' slender fingers. His lips were soft, the director made a mental note.

  
Such tempting lips.

 

How inviting those rosy lips appeared to be.

  
Removing his fingers from the magizoologist's lips, the director decided to replace his fingers with his lips.

  
So he bent in, and sealed Newt's seductive lips with a loving and passionate kiss, as the younger man let out a muffled shocked cry. Graves looked into those mesmerizing blue orbs of Newt, drowning in their depth, just before their owner decided to flutter close his eyes. He closed his too.

  
The two melted into the kiss.

 

  
**Epilogue**

Graves has picked up the hobby of watching no-maj movies, whether they were Disney movies or not, he never cared, as long as they were good. 

 

"What are we watching tonight, Percy?" leaning onto the director's broad shoulders, Newt asked as he buried his head into Percival's neck, his voice muffled by the latter's scarf.

 

Newt seemed to be interested in no-maj movies as well, seeing how much fun Graves had when he had movie marathons, so the couple decided to spend the night when they were both free and had nothing to do to watch movies.

 

"Danish Girl," Percival replied, "I think the protagonist somehow has a striking resemblance to you."

 

Newt blushed as Percival said that as Lili/Einar was stripping off on the screen. He coughed awkwardly, trying to drive away his embarrassment. 

 

"I might or might not have been fantasising you, dressed as a woman, like Lili, in the past few days when I was holding you in my arms," Percival purred into Newt's ears. 

 

Newt's blush darkened, but he felt his trousers grew tighter at the thought of Percival looking at him in a beautiful dress, eyes full of lust.

 

So he stood up, went into their shared room, and came back clothed in a semi-translucent silk dress, and straddled Percival's laps. 

 

They never finish the movie.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I have this headcanon that Graves' favourite non-maj actor is Eddie Redmayne nobody can stop me. 
> 
> "In my life, you have burst like the music of angels. The light of the sun! And my life seems to stop as if something is over and something has scarcely begun."  
> \- In my Life, Les Miserables, by Marius Pontmercy
> 
> "How the world may be changed in just one burst of light" and "To be struck to the bones in a moment of breathless delight"  
> \- Red and Black, Les Miserables, by Marius Pontmercy 
> 
> I had to add some Les Mis references because (a) I love les mis and (b) because of Eddie I am not even sorry 
> 
> "All my life has been a series of doors in my face. And then suddenly I bumped into you."  
> \- Love is an Open Door, Frozen, by Anna
> 
> I accidentally referred to non-wizards as muggles multiple times before finally changing them back to no-maj this was hard to adapt to after referring to non-wizards as muggle for the past decade help
> 
> Perhaps this is a demonstration of inertia in Physics haha


End file.
